if you have nothing good to say.....

I have started two major changes in my life. Both of them are equally difficult and are that way for the same reasons. My first as I have mentioned is my weight. I am in a terrible battle with my weight. It's been that way most of my life. I binge. I get hungry, or more likely bored and I eat whatever junk I can find til I feel like crap. and I cannot get anything done because I feel like crap. Not sure why that is, my first guess is it is an avoidance mechanism. You don't feel well how can you be expected to do anything? Sure its stupid, I made myself not feel well. This is not rationale, I get that. So now I get myself mentally prepared to lose weight. Thats the trick. Mentally preparing yourself to undertake this. Once you are actually on an aerobic machine its cake.Just keep moving for the allotted time. GETTING to the machine takes a mentally energy that borders on abuse or bullying.

Thats a big thing for me is finding a motivation that is not so negative. Something inspiring that makes me want to go. I am trying but not having much success. Positive motivation has not been my strong point...............ever.

Which brings me to my next big battle, cynicism. It needs to be my top priority,it effects all

aspects of my life. Cynicism is defined as: An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others.

Now I have thought in the past that this attitude has served me and my life well. I think for the most part if you assume the worst of others they generally will not disappoint you. I have found this to be very true of jobs and such. I have spent the majority of my life waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. Cynicism also serves well in finding friends. You will be amazed when you start speaking cynically of any given situation how many people will flock to you and want to discuss such things at length. I was great at finding not only the humor but the worst of any situation. Speak negatively of any situation, person, piece of writing, speech, music,movies, tv........... well you can see where I going with this. If you can do that you basically can start a news or review site on the internet and make money. I would dare say I have missed my calling as a news person. News in this day and age is cynicism. It hints and winks at the worst of us and others. When someone does or says something we try to find the "true" motivation. If any media is declared popular we immediately try to find fault or theft.

It is my worst flaw as a person. I realize this now. I see that people seek my cynical opinion on things. I realize its because I try to veil it in humor and it may make you laugh. What I realize now is the damage that it does to me, and to my mental state. I try now to be acutely aware of it. When I see myself slipping in my head I try to flip flop it. I say to myself "Ok that is one way of looking at it. Now try another. Try it with a smile." Sure it seems weak. It seems so hippy, flower child free love. But it makes me feel good. So I work on it.

It is funny. I have had people ask me my opinion on the new "Late Night Wars." Asking me to comment on the Conan/Jay Leno situation. I really have not had one. I can see the cynicism in tweets and facebook posts and it has been hard not to jump in the negativity pool. I made the choice to not comment. (Ok I lie, I found myself writing tirades only to delete it before hitting share. Knowing it would not serve me or others and bring nothing but negative to the world)

I am trying

I was surprised and overwhelmed to see Conan make a plea in his farewell to young people.

I will try to quote it word for word.

"Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism, for the record, it is my least favorite quality.It doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you are kind, amazing things will happen. I am telling you amazing things will happen."

I have made a vow to myself that my past decades of cynicism has not served me. I will try to do better and for the record I am now a huge Conan fan.

**My apologies to Ron Howard I realize now you are not a bad person I still don't like your movies.