For the better......

I have this very bad habit. I tend to write in journals only when life is tough or generally unpleasant. When things are great I just don't feel the need. I am coming to the realization now that when things are great that it is equally important if not more to write and acknowledge it.

Life does go right many times. But if you don't acknowledge it the pattern of your life will be just a collection of bad experiences.

I need to express this right now. I have found a job I REALLY like. I could probably say love but it is only two weeks in so lets keep it within reason. I mean if you started a new relationship and two weeks in you say "I Love You" most of the time the person will think you are mental. Like scary, clingy, you must be a stalker mental. That said, I really enjoy going there and doing the work. It shocks me on some days that it is the perfect job for me. The fact that all the art for the game is art I wish I had made and want collected in a book for me. All the ideas so far for the game are ideas I think I would have or even better ideas than I would have.

I also would like to add one of the great affirmations is how well they have taken in my family. I really feel like my family is cared for. When my family is cared for I have no distractions. I cannot stress how important this realization is for me. It means the world when your insurance info shows up on time with cards. That you are paid for the 1st time on time. It shows the company cares and they "get it." Because of this, everyday I sit at my desk I am totally focused on doing great things for the company. I want the company to succeed.

This is another important realization of mine, the idea of success at my job. But that should be another blog for another day. Today I am just grateful and want to acknowledge that after 10 years of searching I think I found a job I enjoy and really ,thats pretty amazing and is making me a wee bit........mental. :)

if you have nothing good to say.....

I have started two major changes in my life. Both of them are equally difficult and are that way for the same reasons. My first as I have mentioned is my weight. I am in a terrible battle with my weight. It's been that way most of my life. I binge. I get hungry, or more likely bored and I eat whatever junk I can find til I feel like crap. and I cannot get anything done because I feel like crap. Not sure why that is, my first guess is it is an avoidance mechanism. You don't feel well how can you be expected to do anything? Sure its stupid, I made myself not feel well. This is not rationale, I get that. So now I get myself mentally prepared to lose weight. Thats the trick. Mentally preparing yourself to undertake this. Once you are actually on an aerobic machine its cake.Just keep moving for the allotted time. GETTING to the machine takes a mentally energy that borders on abuse or bullying.

Thats a big thing for me is finding a motivation that is not so negative. Something inspiring that makes me want to go. I am trying but not having much success. Positive motivation has not been my strong point...............ever.

Which brings me to my next big battle, cynicism. It needs to be my top priority,it effects all

aspects of my life. Cynicism is defined as: An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others.

Now I have thought in the past that this attitude has served me and my life well. I think for the most part if you assume the worst of others they generally will not disappoint you. I have found this to be very true of jobs and such. I have spent the majority of my life waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. Cynicism also serves well in finding friends. You will be amazed when you start speaking cynically of any given situation how many people will flock to you and want to discuss such things at length. I was great at finding not only the humor but the worst of any situation. Speak negatively of any situation, person, piece of writing, speech, music,movies, tv........... well you can see where I going with this. If you can do that you basically can start a news or review site on the internet and make money. I would dare say I have missed my calling as a news person. News in this day and age is cynicism. It hints and winks at the worst of us and others. When someone does or says something we try to find the "true" motivation. If any media is declared popular we immediately try to find fault or theft.

It is my worst flaw as a person. I realize this now. I see that people seek my cynical opinion on things. I realize its because I try to veil it in humor and it may make you laugh. What I realize now is the damage that it does to me, and to my mental state. I try now to be acutely aware of it. When I see myself slipping in my head I try to flip flop it. I say to myself "Ok that is one way of looking at it. Now try another. Try it with a smile." Sure it seems weak. It seems so hippy, flower child free love. But it makes me feel good. So I work on it.

It is funny. I have had people ask me my opinion on the new "Late Night Wars." Asking me to comment on the Conan/Jay Leno situation. I really have not had one. I can see the cynicism in tweets and facebook posts and it has been hard not to jump in the negativity pool. I made the choice to not comment. (Ok I lie, I found myself writing tirades only to delete it before hitting share. Knowing it would not serve me or others and bring nothing but negative to the world)

I am trying

I was surprised and overwhelmed to see Conan make a plea in his farewell to young people.

I will try to quote it word for word.

"Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism, for the record, it is my least favorite quality.It doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you are kind, amazing things will happen. I am telling you amazing things will happen."

I have made a vow to myself that my past decades of cynicism has not served me. I will try to do better and for the record I am now a huge Conan fan.

**My apologies to Ron Howard I realize now you are not a bad person I still don't like your movies.

Idle Hands

I posted recently about opportunities. I still very much believe in them but after about a week of "Letting go and Letting God" I want to take control back. I am really paralyzed right now. I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing. I really just want to crawl in bed and disappear. This makes me wonder whether or not this is some form of depression that is coming on due to my being idle. Which of course makes me have to confront the idea that maybe all this work I have been doing is trying to cover something else up.

Then at some point I just feel like maybe I am just thinking too damn much.

There still needs to be some form of action. You still need to make the journey. I guess I am staring at many different paths wondering which way to walk.

Today I thought that maybe I just need to walk away from the stresses of my art and of my creative self and focus on my health. Maybe thats the opportunity God wants me to pursue. I have ballooned to my heaviest weight ever and over all I just don't feel "well"

I could go on and on about my battle with my weight. I am not sure what is is about me that makes being not fat such an ordeal. I know I just need to work it into my life.

Accept that it is the one thing in life that has no exceptions.

Today I ask for the opportunity to make my body healthy. The gym and I have an appointment at 3.

I want a Hi Def Widescreen TV

This used to mean a lot to me. I really wanted one for sports, you know hockey, football ect. I cannot really say I want it for movies because most of the Blue Ray movies I have seen look like a lit set. The fact that it is so real now makes it seem less real as a movie. Strange but it does effect me that way.

I have tried to get past the WANTING of things. Since in looking back things in and of themselves have not brought me much in the way of happiness. Mostly they just clutter up around me.

I had a moment of clarity with the idea wanting of things just this past December. This past December marked the 1 year anniversary of a dreaded ice storm that took our power for 11 Days.

Now anytime I hear the forecast of rain and snow mixture I cringe. Never again.

It was a terrible time for my family. I look back now, since life did eventually get back to "normal", and realize it has in hindsight given me a greater appreciation for what I NEED.

I need heat, its New England after all. I need water, not only to drink but also to flush my toilets. I need refrigeration so my family can eat. All of that depends on electricity in my house and it is very scary just how dependant we are to it.

But when I think back to the nights of candle light, driving places to take showers, filling up on water to flush the toilet, the kindness of others because we were "all in this together" attitude that grew from this event. It shines a light of clarity for me.

My tv for now is fine. It is not that important. Sure it would be nice. But I am more grateful for the warm shower,the food on my plate, the toilet that flushes, and a healthy family that survived that whole experience.

Still hockey really looks good in HD :)

Opportunities

I have recently accepted a job that takes me back to the Games Industry. I had, up until a year and half ago, worked 10 years in the video/computer games industry. It has not always been kind. It's a terrible quality of life industry with long hours, high stress, and generally unhealthy both mentally and physically. Basically it is not all fun and games as one would think.

I still question myself on this decision every day since I accepted. I try to flip flop it and live in the now. This is now. This is not your old job this is new. I try to not let all my old experiences project themselves on this new one but it is hard.

I try to find a state of calm by giving it over to God (Universe, higher power, whatever you like)

I like to think this is an opportunity given to me by God. I have in the past asked for things like I want a secure job, that pays me well, and will bring me success. I have also tried to control things by saying I also want to do my own thing and create my own business and be self made.

I think God has given me opportunities for all these things. I am not sure if I capitalized on all of them. But looking back it seemed the opportunities were there.

Thats what God gives when asked, opportunities. This revelation came to me from a favorite movie of my wife and daughter, Evan Almighty. Good movie. Good message. The question posed in the movie was if you pray for happiness does God make you happy? OR does God give you the opportunity to find happiness?

So as I have now realized that God (Universe, Higher Power) has given me opportunities for all I have asked for but yet I still feel miserable, maybe I should change what I am asking for.

Lately I have stopped trying to will my new iphone app company to new successes. I have stopped trying to pursue this idea that I need to be some great artist recognized for his achievements. I stopped trying to use "positive thinking" to give me all the material things I want in life.

I now have asked God to just know me better than I know myself and give me the opportunity to be happy. I am asking that which created me and knows whats best for me to take control.

Alcohol Anonymous has a term for this. It is called Letting go and Letting God. They have a ton of these little sayings has helped keep vendors of t-shirts and bumper stickers in business for decades.

I do not know if having all the money in the world will make me happy. I don't know if being famous will make me happy. Really all I know is I have been killing myself trying to be happy and I am not truly happy.

So today I ask God the universe and higher power, give me the the opportunity to be happy. More importantly may I recognize this opportunity and use it to be happy.

So Yesterday I posted the "Optimist Creed" and for some reason the last part where I gave credit to the guy who wrote it, did not post. It was written by Christian D. Larson back in 1912.

For everyone who thought I might have written it, thanks but I am just not that gifted. :) But I am glad I could share.

Really tired today and I have so much to do.I am thinking that a lot of my problems in life stem from bad time management so if you have any good advice or could point me to some good materials on managing ones time it would be appreciated. I always seem to end up with feast or famine. Seems like everyone needs work from me all at the same time or its really quiet.

Found some sage words from Jim Henson that I use to help me get my day started:

I spend a few minutes in meditation and prayer each morning. I find that this really helps me to start the day with a good frame of reference. As part of my prayers,I thank whoever is helping me-I'm sure somebody or something is- I express gratitude for all of my blessings and I try to forgive the people that I am feeling negative toward. I try hard not to judge anyone,and I try to bless everyone who is part of my life, particularly anyone with whom I am having any problems.

-Jim Henson

Have a good Friday and have a great weekend!!

Stay Positive

Optimist Creed

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.