if you have nothing good to say.....

I have started two major changes in my life. Both of them are equally difficult and are that way for the same reasons. My first as I have mentioned is my weight. I am in a terrible battle with my weight. It's been that way most of my life. I binge. I get hungry, or more likely bored and I eat whatever junk I can find til I feel like crap. and I cannot get anything done because I feel like crap. Not sure why that is, my first guess is it is an avoidance mechanism. You don't feel well how can you be expected to do anything? Sure its stupid, I made myself not feel well. This is not rationale, I get that. So now I get myself mentally prepared to lose weight. Thats the trick. Mentally preparing yourself to undertake this. Once you are actually on an aerobic machine its cake.Just keep moving for the allotted time. GETTING to the machine takes a mentally energy that borders on abuse or bullying.

Thats a big thing for me is finding a motivation that is not so negative. Something inspiring that makes me want to go. I am trying but not having much success. Positive motivation has not been my strong point...............ever.

Which brings me to my next big battle, cynicism. It needs to be my top priority,it effects all

aspects of my life. Cynicism is defined as: An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others.

Now I have thought in the past that this attitude has served me and my life well. I think for the most part if you assume the worst of others they generally will not disappoint you. I have found this to be very true of jobs and such. I have spent the majority of my life waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. Cynicism also serves well in finding friends. You will be amazed when you start speaking cynically of any given situation how many people will flock to you and want to discuss such things at length. I was great at finding not only the humor but the worst of any situation. Speak negatively of any situation, person, piece of writing, speech, music,movies, tv........... well you can see where I going with this. If you can do that you basically can start a news or review site on the internet and make money. I would dare say I have missed my calling as a news person. News in this day and age is cynicism. It hints and winks at the worst of us and others. When someone does or says something we try to find the "true" motivation. If any media is declared popular we immediately try to find fault or theft.

It is my worst flaw as a person. I realize this now. I see that people seek my cynical opinion on things. I realize its because I try to veil it in humor and it may make you laugh. What I realize now is the damage that it does to me, and to my mental state. I try now to be acutely aware of it. When I see myself slipping in my head I try to flip flop it. I say to myself "Ok that is one way of looking at it. Now try another. Try it with a smile." Sure it seems weak. It seems so hippy, flower child free love. But it makes me feel good. So I work on it.

It is funny. I have had people ask me my opinion on the new "Late Night Wars." Asking me to comment on the Conan/Jay Leno situation. I really have not had one. I can see the cynicism in tweets and facebook posts and it has been hard not to jump in the negativity pool. I made the choice to not comment. (Ok I lie, I found myself writing tirades only to delete it before hitting share. Knowing it would not serve me or others and bring nothing but negative to the world)

I am trying

I was surprised and overwhelmed to see Conan make a plea in his farewell to young people.

I will try to quote it word for word.

"Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism, for the record, it is my least favorite quality.It doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you are kind, amazing things will happen. I am telling you amazing things will happen."

I have made a vow to myself that my past decades of cynicism has not served me. I will try to do better and for the record I am now a huge Conan fan.

**My apologies to Ron Howard I realize now you are not a bad person I still don't like your movies.

Idle Hands

I posted recently about opportunities. I still very much believe in them but after about a week of "Letting go and Letting God" I want to take control back. I am really paralyzed right now. I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing. I really just want to crawl in bed and disappear. This makes me wonder whether or not this is some form of depression that is coming on due to my being idle. Which of course makes me have to confront the idea that maybe all this work I have been doing is trying to cover something else up.

Then at some point I just feel like maybe I am just thinking too damn much.

There still needs to be some form of action. You still need to make the journey. I guess I am staring at many different paths wondering which way to walk.

Today I thought that maybe I just need to walk away from the stresses of my art and of my creative self and focus on my health. Maybe thats the opportunity God wants me to pursue. I have ballooned to my heaviest weight ever and over all I just don't feel "well"

I could go on and on about my battle with my weight. I am not sure what is is about me that makes being not fat such an ordeal. I know I just need to work it into my life.

Accept that it is the one thing in life that has no exceptions.

Today I ask for the opportunity to make my body healthy. The gym and I have an appointment at 3.

I want a Hi Def Widescreen TV

This used to mean a lot to me. I really wanted one for sports, you know hockey, football ect. I cannot really say I want it for movies because most of the Blue Ray movies I have seen look like a lit set. The fact that it is so real now makes it seem less real as a movie. Strange but it does effect me that way.

I have tried to get past the WANTING of things. Since in looking back things in and of themselves have not brought me much in the way of happiness. Mostly they just clutter up around me.

I had a moment of clarity with the idea wanting of things just this past December. This past December marked the 1 year anniversary of a dreaded ice storm that took our power for 11 Days.

Now anytime I hear the forecast of rain and snow mixture I cringe. Never again.

It was a terrible time for my family. I look back now, since life did eventually get back to "normal", and realize it has in hindsight given me a greater appreciation for what I NEED.

I need heat, its New England after all. I need water, not only to drink but also to flush my toilets. I need refrigeration so my family can eat. All of that depends on electricity in my house and it is very scary just how dependant we are to it.

But when I think back to the nights of candle light, driving places to take showers, filling up on water to flush the toilet, the kindness of others because we were "all in this together" attitude that grew from this event. It shines a light of clarity for me.

My tv for now is fine. It is not that important. Sure it would be nice. But I am more grateful for the warm shower,the food on my plate, the toilet that flushes, and a healthy family that survived that whole experience.

Still hockey really looks good in HD :)

Opportunities

I have recently accepted a job that takes me back to the Games Industry. I had, up until a year and half ago, worked 10 years in the video/computer games industry. It has not always been kind. It's a terrible quality of life industry with long hours, high stress, and generally unhealthy both mentally and physically. Basically it is not all fun and games as one would think.

I still question myself on this decision every day since I accepted. I try to flip flop it and live in the now. This is now. This is not your old job this is new. I try to not let all my old experiences project themselves on this new one but it is hard.

I try to find a state of calm by giving it over to God (Universe, higher power, whatever you like)

I like to think this is an opportunity given to me by God. I have in the past asked for things like I want a secure job, that pays me well, and will bring me success. I have also tried to control things by saying I also want to do my own thing and create my own business and be self made.

I think God has given me opportunities for all these things. I am not sure if I capitalized on all of them. But looking back it seemed the opportunities were there.

Thats what God gives when asked, opportunities. This revelation came to me from a favorite movie of my wife and daughter, Evan Almighty. Good movie. Good message. The question posed in the movie was if you pray for happiness does God make you happy? OR does God give you the opportunity to find happiness?

So as I have now realized that God (Universe, Higher Power) has given me opportunities for all I have asked for but yet I still feel miserable, maybe I should change what I am asking for.

Lately I have stopped trying to will my new iphone app company to new successes. I have stopped trying to pursue this idea that I need to be some great artist recognized for his achievements. I stopped trying to use "positive thinking" to give me all the material things I want in life.

I now have asked God to just know me better than I know myself and give me the opportunity to be happy. I am asking that which created me and knows whats best for me to take control.

Alcohol Anonymous has a term for this. It is called Letting go and Letting God. They have a ton of these little sayings has helped keep vendors of t-shirts and bumper stickers in business for decades.

I do not know if having all the money in the world will make me happy. I don't know if being famous will make me happy. Really all I know is I have been killing myself trying to be happy and I am not truly happy.

So today I ask God the universe and higher power, give me the the opportunity to be happy. More importantly may I recognize this opportunity and use it to be happy.

So Yesterday I posted the "Optimist Creed" and for some reason the last part where I gave credit to the guy who wrote it, did not post. It was written by Christian D. Larson back in 1912.

For everyone who thought I might have written it, thanks but I am just not that gifted. :) But I am glad I could share.

Really tired today and I have so much to do.I am thinking that a lot of my problems in life stem from bad time management so if you have any good advice or could point me to some good materials on managing ones time it would be appreciated. I always seem to end up with feast or famine. Seems like everyone needs work from me all at the same time or its really quiet.

Found some sage words from Jim Henson that I use to help me get my day started:

I spend a few minutes in meditation and prayer each morning. I find that this really helps me to start the day with a good frame of reference. As part of my prayers,I thank whoever is helping me-I'm sure somebody or something is- I express gratitude for all of my blessings and I try to forgive the people that I am feeling negative toward. I try hard not to judge anyone,and I try to bless everyone who is part of my life, particularly anyone with whom I am having any problems.

-Jim Henson

Have a good Friday and have a great weekend!!

Stay Positive

Optimist Creed

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

Living in the now

So yesterday I mentioned Ekhart Tolle and his idea of the Power of Now.

It is a dense subject and probably more than I could even sum up in a blog. I will try and help by linking you to the wiki entry for it and telling you about how I found it to help me.

Here is the wiki entry: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Power_of_Now

I will be pulling quotes from it throughout the blog.

The essence of the Power of Now is staying and living in the moment in the right now.

I struggle with this so much. I mean when your moment of right now is sitting in front of a computer in a chair that has perfectly melded to your growing ass. Why in the world would I want to be as Ekhart puts it "Be Present." My mind wants to meander to all the great things I am going to do. Relive great moments of success or more than likely relive some moment or incident that caused me great pain so I am making sure not to do it again. It is more likely my mind is trying to justify a fear of moving forward and the ramifications of taking a risk in the present by drudging up the past.

I realize now that these moments do not serve me well at all. So pat on the back to me for making this realization but I am not very good at practicing it.

So what does it mean to be "Present"? I will paraphrase from the wiki entry

First you need to understand Tolles version of the ego.

The ego is a sense of self derived from the content and activity of the mind. It is "a mental image of who you are, based on your personal and cultural conditioning."He notes that virtually everyone hears a "voice" in their head all the time, the involuntary and often repetitive thought-processes of our minds. As we live "the voice comments, speculates, judges, compares, complains, likes, dislikes, and so on." It may be reliving the past or rehearsing imagined future situations.The ego is the sense of self which regards these incessant thoughts as 'my thoughts', and the mind which thinks them as 'me'.

So as I see it, the ego is that voice that is constantly obssessed with ME and what ME and my thoughts about ME are doing right now. Really it is something I find myself overly preoccupied with during the day.

Tolle suggests that our egos are conditioned to think in terms of past, present and future. This means that we are constantly preoccupied with looking both backwards and forwards - in fact anything rather than focus on the present, the here and now. So we focus on the past because this is what gives us our sense of identity, and what has led us to the life circumstances that we currently face. And we focus on the future because this is where all our dreams, hopes and fears will play out.

Now I love this because this is so true of me. I am overly preoccupied with my perception of myself and how I am projecting it towards others.. This is me focusing on my past and making sure that I am playing the role of Jude Beers accurately. Furthermore, if you know me you know I am overly preoccupied with the future and my dreams of it. My sense of now is usually based on me working to get to a future I am living in my mind.

Tolle claims there is a deeper sense of self than the ego, a conscious Presence which may be known in various ways. One method he recommends is simply to listen to the voice in the head without judging it in any way or getting caught up in its contents. Just by 'watching the thinker' in the head, he says, "You'll soon realise: there is the voice, and here I am listening to it." That I am realisation is "a sense of your own presence ... (arising) from beyond the mind." And as one becomes aware of this deeper self as a conscious presence, so the involuntary thinking begins to subside, giving way to stillness, peace and what he calls "the joy of Being."

This takes so much work for me that it is exhausting and sometimes painful. Strange right? I think I must be doing it wrong :) Stillness? Peace? ok. *Grits teeth tries to hold still and clear my mind, trying to push the voice out of my head by farting out my ears.*

I find the focus needed to push out thoughts of the future and past out of my head to be tiring. So naturally I feel like I am doing it wrong. But its hard to change old habits.

Try to stay present today. Live in your now. It is the only thing you are capable of.

From the great movie Kung Fu Panda the wise turtle points out, "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."

See ya tomorrow

The Big O

I have been walking around since yesterday thinking to myself, "what am I going to write in my blog tomorrow." There are lots of things I want to talk about but then I wonder are they relevant?

I kept going round and round and all I could come up with was this:

I used to hate Oprah.

If you hate Oprah now, its ok I get it. I used to think she was this know it all bitch who stood on her mountain of money looking down on us telling us how to live and behave.

Terrible huh?

My opinion has since changed. I am not a rabid fan, I do not even watch her show. I appreciate what she does. I connect with Oprah through her online "Soul Series." She introduced me to Ekhart Tolle and his brilliant idea of the Power of NOW. The Power of NOW is deserving of many of its own entries. But for now (pun) let us just say it has had a huge influence on my life and spirituality. Never would have found it without Oprah. Pick up Ekharts book, A New Earth it is profound.

Now some may say that a book called, A New Earth, or at least anything from Oprah is too hippy, new age, or God forbid...........Liberal. I find my spirituality is best served when I put my political leanings aside. Approach it with an open heart. Both Ekhart and Oprah are doing one thing that I am striving so hard to do. They are trying to bring good things into the world. You may nay say , no they are trying to make money. I agree you are right.

We live in an information age where people are trying to shove as much of their negative info fill with malice and hate all the while filling their pockets with advertising dollars. I would rather give my money to the positive people trying to bring good into the world.

Try to bring some good into the world at all times. I know it can be hard, I struggle with it everyday. Reward others you see who are trying to bring good into the world. Avoid or shun those bringing negativity. They will bait you, they want you to be angry and miserable with them. Smile and tell them to have a good day. If they are standing near you give them a hug. That will really throw them.

Today I will try to stay happy.

PS here is a link to Ekhart's series of interviews with Oprah examining his book A New Earth chapter by chapter. http://www.oprah.com/media/20090710-obc-a-new-earth-week1

Lazarus Lost

I am pretty lost. Lost in the sense that I could use some direction. My life you see did not come with a manual. Now some have said life does have a manual, it is the Bible. Ok well if thats the manual, than it is like trying to get directions to a place, from a room full of people all with different answers. Needless to say I tried to follow that manual still feel lost.

My name is Jude. The name is biblical and if you are a Catholic it is also a Saint. St. Jude, patron saint of hopeless cases. Ok I can buy into that considering I feel like a hopeless case. Hey Jude is also the name of one of the most popular Beatles songs ever. The 1st lyric of the tune is "Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better." Seems like I have spent a good deal of my life taking that sad song and trying to make it a better sad song. Apparently that was not what Paul McCartney meant when he wrote the song. So again I find myself lost but humming a Beatles tune.

I am trying to find some answers. I feel like I got life wrong. I totally missed the point. I bought into the whole idea of life is your job, make money, buy shit, be happy. Yeah that is totally not working for me. So now I am trying to wipe the slate clean and find a better set of directions.

I will be using this blog to document my journey. I will share stories and try to document things I have felt are good directions. That take me to a good space. I am claiming right now that I don't have the answers!! But I am looking for some and maybe the answers I find will help you.

If you have something enlightening to post or maybe you have an answer that has helped you, please share. I made the 1st step. I wrote my first entry. Let the journey begin.........................which way was I supposed to go?